(* Isaac Hayes: End Theme from Tough Guys)
Mr Eaton? - Um, Mr Ames?
Sorry I'm late There was traffic
It's great to be here I grew up in New Jersey
Do you know who that is?
Oh, that's my colleague He does all the driving
Anyways, why don't you tell me what the exact problem is?
I appreciate you wanting to be discreet on the phone
I'm being blackmailed Why? What happened?
I've been married 11 years I have two little boys, they're lovely
And my wife and I
When I was a kid my parents had two separate bedrooms
I don't think I ever even saw them kiss
That happens a lot Yeah, well, it happened to me
So I went on Craigslist
I figured it'd be all right if I had an affair with a married woman,
if you know what I'm saying Oh, my God
This woman's body is beautiful Did you really meet her?
Sorry Go on
Yeah, we met at a motel,
you know, one of those that charges by the hour
(Sighs) Her name was Sophia,
and she was I mean, she is beautiful.
I actually thought she liked me, which is pathetic
Hey, don't beat yourself up. You were vulnerable
I don't know how, but she filmed us
She sent me a copy and asked for a thousand dollars
or she would show it to my wife
- You paid? Yeah!
I maxed out the credit card, I thought the whole thing was over
But then she called again. She wants 500 a month
That is a lot of money
Yeah, I don't have that, especially not in this economy
You know, I've got two kids
Your ad said that your rates were reasonable
All the other detectives were way out of my league
I charge 100 dollars a day, but I'm good
I'm one of the
well, I'm good
I can afford that
I just I need you to get that tape back for me
The weird thing is I feel closer to my wife than ever
I can't lose her now
I understand (Phone)
Will you get me a hamburger to go? I'm starving
- OK. Cheese? No cheese
All right, no cheese
I'll get your tape for you I promise
Excuse me
Can I get a cheeseburger, no cheese, to go?
(Jonathan) Hello, ladies Good morning
So just wait here under these ballerinas, OK?
OK, I like ballet Hi
George Hey, Jonathan, dear boy Come in
Got your email. I came by to pick up the galley for the new Paul Auster novel
- Oh, shit. What's the matter?
There's a party tonight for Gay Talese at the National Arts Club
Another award I think he's a great writer,
but how many of these can I go to in life?
I don't know
Seems like you go to one almost every night of the week
I know, and it's always the same boring people, going on 35 years
Though some die and some press on
I fall into the press on category
Pressing on is good Pressing on is heroic
Oh, maybe The first 25 years or so it all seemed very meaningful
The past ten years, I feel like I'm on autopilot
I may not even be talking right now This could be a tape recording
Your Auster Oh, great I love Paul Auster
I'll write you a good review Yeah, whatever, but more importantly,
I want you to come with me tonight to the party
You can get quotes for the society page or something
See, I don't want to go to the party by myself
Tonight? I'm really sorry but I can't
What? You never say no Don't you need money for the piece?
I do, but
Since when do you play it so close to the vest?
I I don't like secrets
I'm the only one who gets to have secrets Sit down
I I have another job
Oh, you're not writing for Antrem at GQ, are you?
No, no, no, no, no I would never do that to you
Do you really want to know the truth? Yes, I do, as long as it's not boring
Well
I have a second job as a private detective
I haven't wanted to tell you because I thought you would think it was strange
If you're gonna lie, you need to make it more believable
Throw in an element of truth. That's what I do
But I'm not lying I have an ad on Craigslist,
advertising myself as an unlicensed private detective
And tonight in New Jersey, I'm meeting this woman, a blackmailer
I still don't believe you. What kind of blackmailer?
She targets married men
We've been emailing and texting for the last 24 hours
I posed as married to lure her in
And tonight I have to get my client's sex tape back
I want to come with you On my case?
Yes Yes! Gay Talese would want me to do something like this
I mean, to hell with the boring dinner party
Now don't you see, Jonathan? This is the kind of journalism that we need in the magazine
We'll be writers who fight crime, you know, give it a big cover story
You know, "Blackmailers Brought" No, no
"Sextortionist Brought Down by George Christopher and Jonathan Ames"
Or your name would go first if you want I'm just thinking out loud here
What do you say?
Ray, this is George, my boss He's coming with us
Nice to meet you Heard a lot about you
Thank you for letting me come on this adventure with you and Jonathan
Well, I'm just the driver My girlfriend lent us the car
Nice car? - A Subaru, automatic.
What's a Subaru?
Now what's the exact plan? How are we doing this?
I'm gonna meet the woman at this motel outside the Lincoln Tunnel
She's supposed to get a room and call me But I'm gonna stand her up
Except we'll be there and we'll follow her home
Then what? Then the plan gets weak
It doesn't Either I'll confront her at her home and ask for the tape back
or we'll wait till she leaves again, break in there, grab the thing and flee
How are we going to break in? (Car alarm bleeps)
I went online There's a spy shop in the Village
They have a special lock picker that opens all doors
This is all very insane and illegal, isn't it?
Well Yes, it is illegal And insane
Good I like insane
So this is the Subaru? Yeah, try not to make a mess
$700?
Is that a lot? - You know, I have no idea.
I mean, it could be a good deal, night vision and all
Those are top of the line
They're very popular in Af ghhhanistan at three am
I'm Howard Baker Ah George Christopher
Howard, we'll take one
Charge it to the magazine Maybe we won't need them
Let me tell you something, Sunday Styles,
I'd hate to think of a situation where you needed night vision goggles
and you didn't have night vision goggles
(Distorted) You know, maybe he's got a good point
We'll take one of these too
What are these? - Oh, those are cameras.
Oh, look at that That's great
Do you have an EZ lock picker?
Yeah, right over here (Phone)
Hello
Well, I already thought it was a done deal
Is he gonna change his mind?
OK, thanks for calling
(Mutters)
Is everything OK?
That was my friend at Esquire They're not running the cartoon
about me trying to get the lesbians pregnant
That was $5,000 I was going to get
- What happened? The senior editors hated it
They're not going to even let me do a revision
I really needed that cash, man I'm sorry I know it's not much,
but I'll give you half of what I make tonight, 50 bucks
Good That's good for half of a colonic
Hey, how much for the Taser? I can't sell you that
Oh, Howard, come on George, it takes special training
I don't have time I've got to close up in ten minutes
Man, if I get home late, my wife will kill me
I mean, I wear the pants,
but she's got the belt, if you know what I mean
You know, this pen doesn't work
Oh, that's because
- it's a camera! Ah! Look at that
You know, I love this place I'm gonna do all my shopping here
George, we've got a blackmailer to meet
(* Big Lazy: The Confidence Man)
So who's this fellow?
That's my girlfriend's kid's toy. It's called Janet
The unicorn's name is Janet?
Yeah, she likes for her kids to use real names for some reason
Oh
- (Phone) Oh
Hello (Woman) Ray?
Yes, this is Ray
- Ray? Shh
Get us a room and call me when you're inside
I'm almost there But I thought
See you soon
- Why'd you use my name? It was the first one that came to mind
I didn't use your last name So what's going on?
She wants me to rent a room and call her from inside
So how are you gonna stand her up if you're already in the room?
Um, OK
I'll meet her and then I'll pretend to get cold feet
The plan still works. We'll tail her when she leaves
- Sounds good to me. OK
Oh, boy (Puffing)
- Are you OK? I'm fine
She's a blackmailer but looked very small in her picture
And I fenced in college. I have some moves
Maybe we should've gotten the Taser
No, no, I don't need the Taser I'll be OK
I'm doing this to save a man's marriage
He shouldn't be punished for one mistake
Why not? Ray
Hey, we'll be right here if anything goes wrong
(Woman) Hello Hi, it's Ray I'm in room six
Great I'll be right there
Uh No rush, no rush
(Sighs)
(Creaking)
(Dog barking in distance)
Not much to see
In fact, it's actually pretty well lit out there
Do you mind if I smoke pot in here?
Not at all
Can I have some? You smoke pot?
- Since the '60s. OK
Mm
Look, look, here she is
Oh my God, she's a knockout
Let me see, let me see
(Knock on door) Yeah, yeah, yeah
Coming, coming
Can I come in? (Quietly) Yes
Yes! Yes, of course Ahem
Mind if I smoke?
You know, it's actually a non smoking room, but for some reason they have an ashtray
It sort of sends a mixed message
Just sit on the bed? OK
You're more attractive than I thought you'd be
I like a man with a big nose
Oh, yeah?
Oh
Thank you Is it really that big?
In a good way
So you're unhappy with your wife?
Uh, my wife? I'm not
Oh, right, yes, my wife Suzanne
Things haven't been good
She thinks I drink too much, but it's her father who's the alc
(Grunts)
You know, maybe this isn't a good idea
I haven't been with another woman since Suzanne
I mean, since Suzanne and I started having troubles,
and I'd better go, but it was really nice to meet you
Shut up, Ray Oh, boy No
I don't understand It was a cartoon about your sperm?
Yeah, I've been giving my sperm to these two lesbians
They're fans of mine They want to have a kid
You're helping lesbians have a baby?
My girlfriend doesn't want any more kids and I thought,
"Well, this is my chance and I can also help this couple"
That's beautiful
I have a daughter Oh, yeah? Are you guys close?
She lives in Seattle
We love each other but we're
we don't really know each other
Oh my God
I have completely failed at the most important thing in life
I'm going to call her right now and tell her I love her
No, no, no, no, no, no You don't want to high dial your daughter
Ah, I'm not that high, really I think you are
I'll use the voice changer
That way she won't be able to tell I'm stoned
No, no, here
(Distorted) "Hey, honey, I just called to tell you I love you
"This is your father I'm a robot"
That's stoned thinking. You'll scare the shit out of her
You're right
Hey, should I send her a text message?
(Screams) Oh, God!
Did you come? No, not yet
That was a loud yell No, you'll know
Put a finger in now, OK? That'll push me over the top
Yeah, OK
See, this is my fleet of Super Sperms
I could've really used that five grand
You're very talented I mean, these are amazing
Really? Do you think you could publish them?
No, no It's probably too sperm oriented for our readership,
but I love your style
- Wait, wait. What?
How long has Jonathan been in there?
I don't know I'm on marijuana minutes
Yeah, me too I usually set my diver's watch when I'm stoned,
so I know how long it's been
He could've been in there for two hours, but it seems like it's only been five minutes
I need a new watch Are you happy with yours?
Yeah, it's Navy SEALs, water resistant up to 200 feet
I wear it in the bathtub all the time
I should get one of these. I can't wear mine in the bathtub
(Water running)
(Jonathan) Wow, thank you
- That was amazing. Get over here now
You know, they say that if babies don't get touched enough, they die
I think the same thing applies to adults, you know?
The water pressure is actually pretty good
Your name's not Ray It's Jonathan
How did you? - Jonathan Ames,
181 Hamilton Street, Brooklyn, New York
That's my licence I can't lose that I videotaped us
You're going to pay me $500 now, and $500 a week for the next ten weeks.
Every week? That's more than If I don't get my money,
your wife gets the tape
Listen
I had a really nice time with you, but I'm holding all the cards here
I'm not married
Who's Suzanne? My ex girlfriend
You're actually the first person I've slept with in months
It was really nice with you
(Quietly) Just so you know
OK, but you're a novelist You're in the public eye
How did you know? You've read my work?
I Googled you
You freelance at Edition New York You've written one book, I Pass Like Night
And your Amazon ranking is roughly 447,000
But the Amazon ranking thing is all screwed up
I'm gonna put the video on YouTube, Facebook, everywhere You will be humiliated
But you had two orgasms I want my $500 now
Have you thought about going to counselling to help with your relationship?
I have a wonderful therapist
He has me doing
all sorts of things
I went a few weeks ago Leah made me go
- She also made me go get some colonics. I'd like a colonic
Hey, let me see, let me see Whoa, whoa, whoa Be patient Be patient
Hey, can I draw you next?
I haven't drawn in years
I want to be... I want to be like a child. I want to be free
Pss ss ss (Laughs)
Please - OK, OK.
Did he pay? Not yet
He's only got 40 bucks in his wallet We'll go to the ATM
Who are you? I'm the guy with the Taser
Do you guys shop at the spy store on Christopher Street?
Shut up 500 now and 500 for the next ten weeks or I will fuck you up
I'm a writer I don't make that kind of money
(Buzzes) (Screams)
Ow! That's not cool, man
That really hurt, all right? You need special training to use one of those things
Get your fucking pants on
You didn't have to hurt him You do your thing, I'll do mine
OK, 500 Let's go
OK, OK
(Bleeping) Lt'll only let me take out $200 at a time
So make three withdrawals, genius
But that's three separate service charges Look, I will Taser you in the face
OK, I'm just saying, you should at least acknowledge
that I'm now basically paying $509
OK
(Car engines start)
Hey hey, guys Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, Jonathan I feel like a child again I'm drawing
What the hell? Didn't you guys see what was going on?
- No. What happened? Follow that van
He Tasered me (George) Look what I drew
Just follow the van
Now what? I've got to go in and get those tapes back
Are you nuts? You can't go in there He's Tasered you already
- But I need to get those tapes. Who cares?
Someone puts a sex tape of you online
I can't think of anybody's career who hasn't been helped by one
Could even help a writer like you
Jonathan, are you working on your novel?
No Please, I don't want to talk about my writing
I have to get that tape back for Mr Eaton
He's got two kids It's a sexless marriage but he loves her
Who cares about that guy?
Are you gonna get yourself maimed for $100, 50 if we split it?
What do you think, George?
I don't really have an opinion. I'm too stoned to think
But I'm having a really good time
Shh
Oh, God I thought he saw us (Laughing)
This pot's making me so paranoid
OK, she's alone in there I'm going in
I think we should give up There's nothing wrong with failure I do it all the time
But if I can get her alone I can reason with her
Jonathan It's OK She had two orgasms
She must like me How do you know she wasn't faking it?
She wasn't Two orgasms?
Yes, it was kind of amazing I'm
Anyway, and I could tell that she felt bad when he Tasered me
I think she really likes me
George, will you reason with him? I think he should go in
See? Now listen
If that guy comes back you need to call my cellphone and warn me
Definitely I can handle that All right I'm counting on you guys
So please, no more pot Just keep an eye out, OK?
She's gonna face the music and I'm going to play it
- (Distorted) Good luck. Shh
(All) Kill!
What are you doing here?
I want the tapes Not just mine, all of them
You followed me? Of course I followed you
And I want my tape and Mr Eaton's and my money and
I guess that's it
You know Mr Eaton? - Yeah, he hired me.
I'm a private detective
I'm also a writer with a bad Amazon ranking, but that doesn't mean I can't call the cops
No, no cops, please Why not? It's the next logical step
It wasn't my idea My brother made me do it
The cops won't care
You'll probably get at least five years for extortion, but, uh
you could call me when you get out
My brother's got gambling debts with the wrong type of people
If I didn't help him they were gonna kill him And this is what you came up with?
If he made you do this, even if we had a good time,
then I'm not sure he's a brother worth saving
So get me those tapes and your word that you'll stop, and I'll leave the cops out of it
- You promise? Yes
Now give me those tapes and the money
(Sighs)
(Screaming on TV)
Help me!
All right, let's go
(Woman on TV) Oh! No! No!
Here We only did it twice, I swear
You and Mr Eaton
He was a nice guy
But you liked me better, right?
I don't want to compare
Oh, shit You've got to call Jonathan
- What? Call Jonathan
I can't get a signal Stupid New Jersey
Don't go in the house, don't go in the house
God, he went in the house We've got to go in there
What? We've got to go in the house
- What the fuck are you doing here? Listen to me Carl
Wait, what do I use for a weapon?
- Janet? Yeah
She extends?
(Carl) What the fuck are you doing in my house?
(Jonathan) Listen to me Listen You took something from me
(Jonathan) We're business partners
(Carl) Oh, really? (Jonathan) All three of us
Kill!
Damn!
Aghh!
Oh my God, go, go, go!
Get in the car George, come on
George, come on Get in the car! Now, now, now! Come on, go!
Hurry He's gonna catch us
(George) Floor it! (Ray) I am This car sucks
Shit
Fuck you
You too Ha ha! We did it!
(Siren whoops)
(Laughing) This is not good
Let me handle this Is there a problem, Officer?
Oh, yeah (George giggles)
I think this is the best night I've had in years
It's 5:30 in the morning, George
Come on, what's wrong with you guys? Show some team spirit
The cops found Ray's pipe
We already smoked everything
It's not illegal to have a glass pipe
Residue Plus driving while impaired
Hey, fellows, listen to me Don't worry, all right?
The magazine has had a criminal lawyer on retainer for years
I'm going to make all of this go away
Sometimes one has to embrace one's place in society
Leah is going to kill me when she sees that fender
And we lost Janet
Oh, yeah I'm sorry about Janet
But, you know, the car just needs a little work We'll find a body shop
I can't afford a body shop right now
You know, I have a solution for that too. I'm full of solutions
I want to pay you and Jonathan
to collaborate on a comic for the magazine about this whole case
I mean, my original cover story idea was way too grandiose
But a comic is better, right?
I mean, comics are really in now
Could be fun We've never worked together
I don't give a shit about that I need the money
Well, thanks, George No, thank you for a great night
I am still stoned That was really good pot
Shh, God Don't say that
(George laughing)